Okay, if I'm actually going to go through with this, there are some concrete life things that need to get accomplished. I'm afraid I will forget about them, so I'll write them down here. Plus, I'm sure my adoring public (current population: 0. Or maybe 1?) is just dying to know this sort of thing.
1. Refinish floors in study, living room and dining room. Lest anyone is reading this and thinking, "Christ, why does this woman think that flooring is important in having a child? Doesn't she know that kids screw up floors? What kind of flake is she?", please note that the floor in the study (hopefully to be a child's bedroom) is in bad enough shape that it can give you splinters. Plus, I don't think I'll ever get this particular project done if I wait until after adoption, and I really want the floors to be less awful.
2. Fix and put down new floor in hallway. I don't want to be all floor fixated, but the hallway floor still has some parts that are structurally unstable. That's just not going to fly during a homestudy.
3. Build a shed? Okay, this one is less "must be done now", but I really want a shed, and right now there is paint thinner in the guest room closet. Again, I just don't think that sort of thing is going to fly with a social worker.
4. Door on my bedroom. I believe it is required for all bedrooms in the house to have doors. Mine should really have one anyways. This might actually be able to be accomplished sooner rather than later. I should go to the ReUse store and see if they have anything that fits.
5. New car. Not new new car, but something with air conditioning that hasn't been hit four times. The trusty blue Tercel has served me well for almost five years. He could probably keep on chugging, but I just don't think that a two door without AC is going to work in Texas if it's more than me. I guess this doesn't have to be the highest priority if I'm just adopting one, but I do think it's time.
6. Bathroom lock. Again, easy. Should probably just hit Ace this week and get it done.
7. Buy a couple of twin beds. I'm provisionally putting a couple of beds in the soon-to-be-ex study (which is almost never used as a study anymore anyways--there is way too much room in this house for just me). I should start paying attention to those obnoxious Mattress Giant commercials.
8. Get dining room chairs. Since the traumatizing chair-falling-apart-underneath-friend incident, it has been painfully obvious that I need structurally stable dining chairs. It's just the pets and I now, and we all just hang out on the couch, but I believe that some sort of dining chair will be required. Dilemma: get the sturdy (but expensive-ish) old chairs from the 1930s that I want, or pick something up at the thrift store?
9. Finish this gd article that I'm working on, and send out at least one more by the end of May. I don't want to sound all careerist, but if I don't get tenure that's not going to be good for a kid or me. Mommy losing her job is not a happy occurrence.
Sunday, April 1, 2007
the big meeting
I attended the big adoption expo today. It's weird how something that still seemed relatively remote a few weeks ago all of a sudden seems like something I might try to do within the next six months. It's not like I haven't been thinking a lot about adoption and what that life would be like. It's just that I've envisioned starting the process next winter at the earliest, and maybe not until well after. I wasn't even completely sure it was the right decision. Now I'm pretty sure I'm going to sign up for PRIDE classes that start in the middle of April.
I had a pretty funny conversation with one of the recruiters. Most of the recruiters from the agencies there were surprisingly quiet. Not very recruit-y. Getting information was kind of like pulling teeth. "How long does it take to get a homestudy done?" "Ummm. . .Well, it just depends on the situation." Well, yeah, but can you elaborate? I showed up extra-early (misestimated traffic), so I was often the only person at each of the booths I went to. At any rate, this one recruiter was very nice, very outgoing, very informative, but it was clear that she was trying to figure me out and couldn't quite do it. She did a lot of talking around things ("Well, some agencies might not be as accepting of singles", "I happened to be talking to man who had a long term partner. . ." "Some agencies get their lawyers to do pro bono work, so you don't have to pay for even that.") There was nothing inherently weird about what she was saying--a lot of it was really good information. It was just that she would sort of raise her eyebrows at me a little with each one, as if to say "are you single?" "are you gay?" "what are your finances like?" I would have happily told her any of those things, but she was sort of talking a lot and I was doing my sympathetic, listening nod thing. Near the end of our conversation she asked me if I was in college, bless her little heart. I do look younger than 31, but not *that* young. I told her that I was a college professor and her whole face changed. It was kind of funny. I knew I should have gone in there with a sticker on my chest that said "I am 31 years old and I own my own home." I couldn't really use her agency anyways, because it is faith-based, but our conversation was actually really productive. I think I've found an agency I really like. I talked to them about my single, non-religious status and they seemed cool with that. I also like the fact that this agency was originally started by foster parents and has offices all over Texas. It has a grassroots quality that I like, and it seems like the offices all over could be a good thing. I also like the fact that they work exclusively with kids in the system, and it seems a little smaller than some of the monster agencies that also do international and private domestic. Overall, it just feels like a good fit. Plus (and I know this is a crappy reason to choose an agency), it's a little closer to me than some of the others and would not require getting on the interstate. I hate the interstate.
They had books of photolistings there, and I noticed that most of the kids I've been interested in the on-line photolistings were not in there. It occurred to me afterwards that I actually didn't see any kids whose birthdays were 1990 or before in those books, while there are quite a few on TARE. I'm trying to figure out if they just left them out of the books because there wasn't enough room for everyone and they figured no one would be interested in those kids, or if the kids really are placed (which would be awesome) or if those kids have decided to give up on getting adopted (which would be sad all the way around). I wrote to one of the recruiters to ask her. I wish I had thought to ask while I was there. At any rate, my beloved sibling group was gone as well. If that means they've been placed, then that's really great. It's so sad to read those books though--the books tell you when the profile was written, so you know how long the kid has been waiting. There is a terrific-seeming little boy who is in gifted and talented and plays sports who has been available for two years. Of course, it is possible that he has a history or behavior that it is particularly difficult to deal with or something. But I sort of suspect that it has to do with the fact that he's an African American boy over the age of 9. It's really sad. So many kids without homes.
I had a pretty funny conversation with one of the recruiters. Most of the recruiters from the agencies there were surprisingly quiet. Not very recruit-y. Getting information was kind of like pulling teeth. "How long does it take to get a homestudy done?" "Ummm. . .Well, it just depends on the situation." Well, yeah, but can you elaborate? I showed up extra-early (misestimated traffic), so I was often the only person at each of the booths I went to. At any rate, this one recruiter was very nice, very outgoing, very informative, but it was clear that she was trying to figure me out and couldn't quite do it. She did a lot of talking around things ("Well, some agencies might not be as accepting of singles", "I happened to be talking to man who had a long term partner. . ." "Some agencies get their lawyers to do pro bono work, so you don't have to pay for even that.") There was nothing inherently weird about what she was saying--a lot of it was really good information. It was just that she would sort of raise her eyebrows at me a little with each one, as if to say "are you single?" "are you gay?" "what are your finances like?" I would have happily told her any of those things, but she was sort of talking a lot and I was doing my sympathetic, listening nod thing. Near the end of our conversation she asked me if I was in college, bless her little heart. I do look younger than 31, but not *that* young. I told her that I was a college professor and her whole face changed. It was kind of funny. I knew I should have gone in there with a sticker on my chest that said "I am 31 years old and I own my own home." I couldn't really use her agency anyways, because it is faith-based, but our conversation was actually really productive. I think I've found an agency I really like. I talked to them about my single, non-religious status and they seemed cool with that. I also like the fact that this agency was originally started by foster parents and has offices all over Texas. It has a grassroots quality that I like, and it seems like the offices all over could be a good thing. I also like the fact that they work exclusively with kids in the system, and it seems a little smaller than some of the monster agencies that also do international and private domestic. Overall, it just feels like a good fit. Plus (and I know this is a crappy reason to choose an agency), it's a little closer to me than some of the others and would not require getting on the interstate. I hate the interstate.
They had books of photolistings there, and I noticed that most of the kids I've been interested in the on-line photolistings were not in there. It occurred to me afterwards that I actually didn't see any kids whose birthdays were 1990 or before in those books, while there are quite a few on TARE. I'm trying to figure out if they just left them out of the books because there wasn't enough room for everyone and they figured no one would be interested in those kids, or if the kids really are placed (which would be awesome) or if those kids have decided to give up on getting adopted (which would be sad all the way around). I wrote to one of the recruiters to ask her. I wish I had thought to ask while I was there. At any rate, my beloved sibling group was gone as well. If that means they've been placed, then that's really great. It's so sad to read those books though--the books tell you when the profile was written, so you know how long the kid has been waiting. There is a terrific-seeming little boy who is in gifted and talented and plays sports who has been available for two years. Of course, it is possible that he has a history or behavior that it is particularly difficult to deal with or something. But I sort of suspect that it has to do with the fact that he's an African American boy over the age of 9. It's really sad. So many kids without homes.
Friday, March 30, 2007
the siren call of the photolisting
Against my own better judgement, and that of everyone whose blog or AOK forum posts I've ever read, I've gone and done it: fallen in love with a photlisting. The weird thing is, this photolisting isn't even remotely like the kid I had envisioned myself with. I've been focusing on getting a single girl, over age 11. This is a photolisting for two boys, pseudo-siblings (they aren't biologically related, but apparently desperately want to be adopted together). One is six years old, the other sixteen. I guess this is what they say about being open to the possibilities. I could definitely imagine myself parenting these kids. I know that the probability of that happening is roughly that of me being chosen as Miss USA, but it's hard not to indulge in a little fantasy (and by a little fantasy, I mean spending the last couple of days obsessing about how to decorate rooms, whether to do private or public schools, how much kids' clothing costs, etc).
Partly as a result of the photolisting obsession, I signed up to attend an adoption "expo" being held this weekend. I believe that this is one of the official dealies offered by CPS, though it is sponsored by a local adoption agency and TV station. I'm hoping that since the TV station is sponsoring it there will be lots of people there, and I'll just blend into the background. I've really wanted to go to one of these, but I haven't been sure I'm ready. I'm feeling a little more ready (though obviously not completely, or I wouldn't feel a need to lurk about at meetings. . .) So much for the slow and methodical "I'll work through my exercises and go to foster parent support groups, etc" approach. Or maybe I'll just think of this as an important part of the decision-making process? Which, of course, it is. I don't know why I get so worked up over this stuff.
Partly as a result of the photolisting obsession, I signed up to attend an adoption "expo" being held this weekend. I believe that this is one of the official dealies offered by CPS, though it is sponsored by a local adoption agency and TV station. I'm hoping that since the TV station is sponsoring it there will be lots of people there, and I'll just blend into the background. I've really wanted to go to one of these, but I haven't been sure I'm ready. I'm feeling a little more ready (though obviously not completely, or I wouldn't feel a need to lurk about at meetings. . .) So much for the slow and methodical "I'll work through my exercises and go to foster parent support groups, etc" approach. Or maybe I'll just think of this as an important part of the decision-making process? Which, of course, it is. I don't know why I get so worked up over this stuff.
types of support
The original reason for the creation of this blog was for me to keep track of the adoption decision making process. I bought the book "Adopting on Your Own" by Lee Varon. It has a number of neat exercises. I would really like to start working through more of them. In the exercise here, you're asked to look at three different kinds of support (practical, emotional and activities) and think about how you might strengthen or broaden your support.
Practical (fixing things, cleaning the house, child care)
I think that potentially big issues for me here will be child care and keeping the house clean. If I adopt a teenager, obviously child care won't be the biggest deal, but I still need to be able to get away for conferences in order to keep my job. Some choices for this would include asking my dad and stepmom to fly down (mom maybe, too, except that she has back problems). I might also get Marie and Danna to stay at the house. It is also possible that the Masons, who have raised teenagers, would be willing to do it. The thing is, I really need to be able to ask people and I feel so scared at the thought. Marie is so willing to help with everything, but I don't want to overtax our relationship. I feel like I'm going to depend on her a lot if I do this. My dad would probably be happy to help, but he lives 2000 miles away.
I might also think about actually hiring a cleaning service. I don't actually care that much about having a clean house, but I suppose it might be comforting if everything else were feeling a bit disasterous.
Emotional (somone to talk to and share your feelings with)
I feel pretty lucky in this regard. I've got Marie locally, who is always up for a little emotional support, as well as Danna and Wendy. They will probably not only listen to me whine, but occassionally bake me cookies. The problem is, again, that I don't always like to rely too much on other people (an emerging theme? something to work on? I guess that's what this whole journaling thing is supposed to be about!) I'm pretty close to both my parents and my mom is used to having my sister call in tears--she counts on me to be the rock, but surely she could put up with a little stress from the eldest. She's also really good at working with kids with special needs, so she could be a good source for parenting tips. Sofi and Christina and Zibby would make really good phone sources of emotional support. So, emotional: probably not going to need to do too much (except with regard to making use of the excellent resources I have available!)
Activities (someone to share activites with, either with or without your child)
This is certainly not a problem for me without a child, as I have a good number of friends. My big concern is whether my friends will have any interest in hanging out with a kid. Marie is enthused about the concept of me adopting, so I think I can count on her and Pete for some hang-out time at the lake, barbeques, etc, but I sort of worry that they'll tire of it. Wendy gets along okay with her nieces and nephew, but it isn't like she seeks out the company of children here. I don't know if she and Peter2 would be into hanging out in a new household with kids. I guess Liz does Sunday School, so she must like teens okay. Maybe this wouldn't really be as bad as I think? I guess it would depend on behavioral problems of any kid I might have. Of course, the big problem is that my friends don't have kids, and thus it isn't like my (future, potential) children would have anyone to hang out with at such gatherings. The friendly acquaintances I have who have kids don't necessarily have kids I like a lot and/or kids who are the age I'm looking to adopt. Maybe Phaedra down the street? I think her son is 13, and I like them a lot. Also, maybe Mathieu's family? He has really nice kids. Perhaps I should work on cultivating those relationships a little more. Also, maybe start going to the local UU church? I wish I believed in god, so that I could go to the Episcoplian church that's two blocks away. The nicest people go there.
Practical (fixing things, cleaning the house, child care)
I think that potentially big issues for me here will be child care and keeping the house clean. If I adopt a teenager, obviously child care won't be the biggest deal, but I still need to be able to get away for conferences in order to keep my job. Some choices for this would include asking my dad and stepmom to fly down (mom maybe, too, except that she has back problems). I might also get Marie and Danna to stay at the house. It is also possible that the Masons, who have raised teenagers, would be willing to do it. The thing is, I really need to be able to ask people and I feel so scared at the thought. Marie is so willing to help with everything, but I don't want to overtax our relationship. I feel like I'm going to depend on her a lot if I do this. My dad would probably be happy to help, but he lives 2000 miles away.
I might also think about actually hiring a cleaning service. I don't actually care that much about having a clean house, but I suppose it might be comforting if everything else were feeling a bit disasterous.
Emotional (somone to talk to and share your feelings with)
I feel pretty lucky in this regard. I've got Marie locally, who is always up for a little emotional support, as well as Danna and Wendy. They will probably not only listen to me whine, but occassionally bake me cookies. The problem is, again, that I don't always like to rely too much on other people (an emerging theme? something to work on? I guess that's what this whole journaling thing is supposed to be about!) I'm pretty close to both my parents and my mom is used to having my sister call in tears--she counts on me to be the rock, but surely she could put up with a little stress from the eldest. She's also really good at working with kids with special needs, so she could be a good source for parenting tips. Sofi and Christina and Zibby would make really good phone sources of emotional support. So, emotional: probably not going to need to do too much (except with regard to making use of the excellent resources I have available!)
Activities (someone to share activites with, either with or without your child)
This is certainly not a problem for me without a child, as I have a good number of friends. My big concern is whether my friends will have any interest in hanging out with a kid. Marie is enthused about the concept of me adopting, so I think I can count on her and Pete for some hang-out time at the lake, barbeques, etc, but I sort of worry that they'll tire of it. Wendy gets along okay with her nieces and nephew, but it isn't like she seeks out the company of children here. I don't know if she and Peter2 would be into hanging out in a new household with kids. I guess Liz does Sunday School, so she must like teens okay. Maybe this wouldn't really be as bad as I think? I guess it would depend on behavioral problems of any kid I might have. Of course, the big problem is that my friends don't have kids, and thus it isn't like my (future, potential) children would have anyone to hang out with at such gatherings. The friendly acquaintances I have who have kids don't necessarily have kids I like a lot and/or kids who are the age I'm looking to adopt. Maybe Phaedra down the street? I think her son is 13, and I like them a lot. Also, maybe Mathieu's family? He has really nice kids. Perhaps I should work on cultivating those relationships a little more. Also, maybe start going to the local UU church? I wish I believed in god, so that I could go to the Episcoplian church that's two blocks away. The nicest people go there.
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