How I Dealt With It: The case of the three cheaters

When I went to the expo/info meeting the other day, the recruiter really emphasized that even non-parents may have parenting experience. Time you spend supervising others builds parenting skills, as well as teaching. It was an "a-ha" moment for me. Hell, I work with teenagers all the time. Actually, most of my students are in their early twenties, but still seem to act like teenagers. I was involved in an incident today that seemed like it involved parenting-type skills. I thought maybe I would start a little intermittent series, so that I could keep track of such situations, and how I did and how I could improve.

The situation:
My TA came to me with three homeworks. Two were exactly the same (I mean, exactly the same--same words, same format, everything) and one was mostly the same (part of it had the same words and format, part was different but similar). This, as far as I am concerned, constitutes cheating. Not really an ambivalent case, either--even if they worked together (and, actually, they really shouldn't have been working together on an assignment like this, but we'll leave that be for a minute), their responses to the questions should not be exactly the same. By the time you get to college, you should know that. I wrote a note on each of their papers, explaining the similarities and the consequences (a zero on the homework and a report to the committee on Student Rights and Responsibilities--actually, a pretty mild punishment). I also explained that I would have to meet with each of them to discuss the report and describe the appeals process. This is all pretty much standard procedure.

When I handed back the assignments, only one of the students was there. Unsurprisingly, he came up to me after class and told me he hadn't cheated, he was not a cheat, he's never cheated in his life, etc. According to him, the only reason that their papers were so similar was that they had worked together. I explained to him that three papers that were exactly the same left me with no choice but to report to the Committee, and if he thought he had a sufficiently good explanation there was an appeals process in place. He followed me down to my office, continuing his protests. I said that I would make an appointment with him to talk about the report and the appeals process. We made the appointment for Friday. He asked if anything would change then, and I told him that this meeting was just about explaining the report and the appeals process to him. He was gone within about five minutes.

I thought that was it for the night, but apparently he called his friend. The friend showed up at my office door a few minutes later, demanding to know whether I had actually read his homework paper. I assured him that I had, and that I would also need to set up an appointment with him at a later time. He started yelling about how he had been in school for five years and never cheated, why would he start cheating now, blah, blah. I explained that it was the end of my day and time for me to go home (9:45 at night, so not unreasonable), and that we could discuss it over e-mail or make an appointment for a later time. He kept on yelling, so I shut the office door in his face. He continued periodic shouts for a couple of minutes. I waited another ten minutes and took off. I was a little freaked--in retrospect, I probably should have called campus security for an escort--there is no one around at that hour and this kid was pissed. It probably didn't warrant it, but better safe than sorry and all that. At any rate, when I left the second (really pissed) kid was gone and the first one was still there. He tried to flag me down in the hallway, and I told him I'd had a long day and I was going home (by this time, about 10PM).

Translatable parenting skills I think I practiced in this incident:
Not really engaging/escalating. I didn't engage in an argument with the first student about whether working together on the assignment constituted cheating. I just reiterated my point that having exactly the same answers does constitute significant evidence of cheating, and reiterated the process we would need to go through.
Boundaries: I asserted that it was my right to go home at a certain (reasonable) hour. When one student did not respect that, I put a physical boundary between us. When the other did not respect that, I reiterated my right to go home and he left it at that.

If any real parents are reading this: In terms of translating this to kid/parent conlict, how did I do? I actually feel pretty comfortable with how I handled it as a professor, but of course the situations are different (I don't sleep with these kids in my house, for instance, and I'm not hugely invested in their futures). Any tips anyone has would be good to hear.

Can I just say, too, how sad cheating usually makes me? I'm always angry and righteous about it in the abstract, but in person I just find it depressing most of the time. Two of these students have been really good about coming to class and doing their work, although their grades have been pretty low. The one student who I haven't talked to yet actually stopped by to drop off his homework with his four year old daughter today (the reason he wasn't in class). I teach a lot of non-traditional students, and I always want them to do well. I really want these kids to do well, even though they haven't been. I was actually going to make a point of suggesting to one of them that he come talk to me about the work and how he could improve, but I sense that our relationship will be pretty strained now. Actually, that would probably be a good way to practice parenting skills too: making a point of talking to this student about his performance in the rest of class in an encouraging way. Maintaining the relationship after conflict, and all that.

Happy news for today: I mentioned in passing, and sort of jokingly, to my chair that I thought it would be fun to go to the charity ball that our new president is throwing to raise money for scholarships. He looked pretty unconvinced, but his wife (also a colleague) started bugging him about how the department should do more stuff like this in order to be higher profile in the university, etc. I never expected anything to come of it, but he sent around an e-mail to ascertain if people would go if he bought a table. I ran around all day trying to convince people. I'm not sure if I have enough on board, but I might. I might be going to a ball! A ball! Like Cinderella goes to balls! The downside is that I would really want to make my own dress, and the ball is next Friday. I had planned to spend a bunch of this weekend working on home improvement stuff. But a ball! And, you know, a ball gown!

In further adoption related news, I mentioned to my mother last week that I was thinking more seriously about adoption (I had been thinking about it in a more passive way a while ago, which she knew about). She expressed some concerns about my on-going happiness (she's provided respite for two boys adopted by her friends who have some pretty severe attachment problems), but said she thought I would make a wonderful mother. I wrote back and told her more about the process and the age group I was looking at (teenagers) and she wrote the following:
I think a teenager is a great idea, and if anyone can do it, you can.
I'm glad that you are aware of the attachment disorder and that you are
provided meetings. I want to say more, but I'm out of time. Kids are
coming.
Aww! I mean, it isn't exactly like my mom is the most objective source of evaluation, but she doesn't usually hold back when she thinks something is a bad idea.

It's so hard to get this whole adoption decision out of my head. As I was lecturing on standard deviation today, inside was thinking, "How would I feel about having a kid at home right now? Would I be happy to be going home to someone in the house, or would it just be an extra stressor after a long day? Would I be happier, sadder, completely ambivalent?" I guess I have to think about it a lot, so that's good, but I also have other things I have to get done.