a bit of a demoralizing day. . .but no!

Thank you so much, Yondalla, for sending some people my way! I've found reading your blog and others so interesting and informative--now I kind of feel like I'm part of the blogging community, instead of a lone, renegade blogger. Thanks so much to the rest of you for your advice--it looks like I'll have to start emotionally bidding adieu to those coveted dining room chairs. . .

I have been feeling a bit demoralized about the whole potential process today. Yesterday I was feeling quite confident and sure that this was what I wanted to do. Today, it feels so much more uncertain. My friends have expressed differing levels of support for this whole adoption thing, but pretty much in a pattern that's consistent with the way that they react to all of my ideas. One has been wildly supportive--we talk about it and discuss the possibilities and how I might deal with different scenarios a lot. She is just awesome--supportive and also interested, so it gives me a chance to talk through things. One has been cautiously on the fence--not really saying much except "hmm" and "interesting". She is generally like that--very diplomatic. One has been telling me stories about how one of her friends was beaten to death by a boy she adopted. But again, that's pretty much what she's like, too. I'm pretty comfortable with these patterns, and really could have predicted those responses. I only told the wildly enthusiastic friend that I went to the adoption expo because she was the only one who I knew for sure would be really interested and supportive. I mentioned it to the diplomatic friend today, and she said (all in a rush) "You know, I just can't see you doing this. It was so difficult for me to adjust to my husband and he's pretty easy to be around, and you're so set in your ways." From my more negative friend, I might just sort of dismiss this kind of thing. I know, though, that it has probably been worrying the diplomat for a while and she wouldn't have mentioned if she weren't really concerned about me. That's probably the tip of the iceberg in terms of her concerns, too. I guess that doesn't mean that her opinions have to shape my actions, but it does give one pause. I really *am* used to living alone, but I've been feeling lately like I'm ready to move on from that. I guess I need to think more (and blog more!) about what that would look like on a day to day basis.

I also looked at the AOK forum, looking for this woman who I remembered who seemed quite similar to me. She and her husband were vegetarians who were looking for a teenager. I had remembered that she finally got a teenage boy who she was just thrilled with--he didn't have a history of serious psychological or behavioral problems, and he seemed to be college bound. The part of the story I forgot was that he started getting very violent after the first three months of the placement and they had to have him put into a mental hospital and then into a residential treatment center. They ended up disrupting the adoption. It was so sad, and very easy to project myself into that situation. Not that I know that I would have disrupted, but there was just so much confusion and pain surrounding her situation, both for her and the kid. I'm trying to go and look for happy, or at least forward-moving, stories. I like reading Baggage's blog because she makes things seem so possible. Not at all easy, but within the realm of imagining.